TAGGED: SWP's FAQ
PERKS PROBS PERSONAL
RAEG ADVICE ANSWERS
for media inquiries
contact:sexworkerproblems at gmail dot com
PERKS PROBS RAEG ASK
SWP is rocking the RED PUMP for National Women and Girls HIV Awareness Day, March 10th, 2012!
We just received this [paraphrased] in our ask. There are so many problems with this, I’m not sure where to begin, but I do feel it necessary to say this: we are not your rape surrogates. Rape and assault happen to us, too. It is still rape - no matter whether there are laws and individuals willing to protect us or not.
We say no, we mean no, and our NO means just as much as yours does. Never forget that.
SWP
Sugar babies are (often) medium to long term companions to wealthy (sometimes) older partners (sometimes called sugar daddy or sugar mama (or mommy)).
Escorts may have regular clients, but often, there is no romantic attachment between the worker and his/her client.
It may begin with sex and money on both sides, but it does not stay there. They’re day and night, really.
Also, I’m not going to keep going over this. To all of our readers and family: you CAN disagree with me. There’s not a thing wrong with that in the world.
If you’re a sugar girl or sugar boy and you even want to do a guest post on your dis/agreement (either is fine) with this OPINION, you’re welcome to do that too. This is not a dictatorship, it’s dialogue. In no way am I saying my opinion is absolute (in fact, a few of the ADMINS here disagree with me), I am just saying it’s my opinion that sugarfolks aren’t SW’s.
SW6
Chiming in as an admin:
I don’t know a lot about being a sugar baby. I’ve done different kinds of sex work, but that isn’t one. I do think it can be a kind of sex work, depending on how the sugar baby approaches it. I also think being a sugar baby, rather unlike other kinds of sex work, is all about blurring the lines between “relationship” and “transaction”. You guys do a lot of emotional work, and for that, I salute you. It sounds tough. I wouldn’t put up with that shit myself.
But when the lines between relationship and transaction are blurry on purpose… where does the definition of sex work end?
I don’t have an easy answer to this one, and I quite possibly don’t have the experience to even properly attempt to give one. I know that in my pre-sex-work days a boyfriend supported me for six months, one time. I joked that I was a “kept woman” but also that I was a “housewife”. I don’t think he really expected anything from me, other than being me, but when I was just as shit at housework unemployed as I’d been as a college student; when our sex life wasn’t totally perfect, I felt that I’d let him down.
What I’m trying to say with this example is, we have this idea that a romantic relationship exists in a realm outside of transactions, and a sex work relationship exists in a realm of pure business. And of course it’s more complicated than that. The affection that I feel for some of my clients, that a lot of us feel for some of our clients, is real. And it can’t be purchased. Likewise, economic expectations creep into relationships that we build around affection. This worries sex workers who prefer their work relationships neat and tidy; the suspicion that we might all really be whores probably worries “straight” folks even more.
Sugar babies, you exist on purpose at the intersection of this confusion: is it any wonder that your work is contentious?
We would welcome guest posts from you, and most importantly, if you identify yourself as a sex worker, we welcome you. SW6 is perfectly correct that this is a dialogue. Let’s talk.
-SW2
By a seriously shit “friend”:
She asks:
Anyone here have any experiences with being outed? How did you deal with it? Today, my “best friend” confronted me and asked how long I’ve been using my moniker. I’ve had suspicions about her knowing for about a month now and I know she’s told other people we know (I’ve seen Facebook posts using my fake name, and others commenting on it mocking me, etc.) She’s just now coming to me about it, nearly a month later, and she told everyone else before she asked me: the one who knows the truth.
For years (I was a sex worker for over 10 years), anyone who asked me got the full monty. I would give out numbers, emails, websites, advice, and even training. I would spend hours answering every single question my “friends” had about getting into the biz.
10 out of 10 people would, after I’d done all of this, tell me something like, “Well, I wasn’t ever “seriously” considering it, but thanks for giving me something to think about!”
So I stopped, and now I take whatever shit people heap on me when I say no to their 101 requests.
There’s something really skeevy about a large number of the people who ask for 101. I’ve found, more than anything, it’s usually just another way to say, “What’s the weirdest/nastiest thing you’ve ever done?” Without actually saying those words.
Sometimes I feel like a bitch for not doing 101 anymore, but then I think about the (literally) hundreds of hours I’ve spent in my life “helping” people with information on how to get into sex work, and how much time I’ve wasted. I think about the dirty looks, changed relationships, and now defunct friendships (the truth hurts friendships sometimes). I think about how little respect so many people have shown me and my work over the years, and after all that, I don’t feel like so much of a bitch anymore.
SW7
The wonderful post below, which is so amazingly right on, was written and submitted by a writer friend of SWP. This is why we are not thrilled when you use this blog to write about us without engaging us in any kind of dialogue. We stand by this position, and we’re gratified to know from your emails that you understand why.
Without further ado, I’ll let our guest poster speak for herself. —SW1
***
In case it’s helpful at all, I wanted to write a response to the original poster, and to others who might be listening.
I’m also a writer. Recently, I was writing a story where at one point, a character is in a precarious position with little money and potentially no shelter. While brainstorming ways for her to get out of this, sex work occurred to me. Sure, I thought. I’ve been reading this blog, and others. I could maybe write somewhat realistically about this.
The idea bothered me a little, so I put it away to think on it some more, and I went through some of the entries on this blog again. And I found this:
http://sexworkerproblems.tumblr.com/post/13989727647/survival-sex-worker-problems-the-rapists-trigger
And I realized part of what bothered me is that I was, in some ways, doing the same thing.
You guys have said, over and over, that this is a blog for and by sex workers. You’re letting the rest of us read, and sometimes you let us comment. But it’s not for us. That is one thing that’s been made explicitly clear. So much of this blog is about consent, negotiation, and the right to say no. Your experiences are not for me to use for my own betterment, for my own enjoyment, for my own purposes, unless you and I have negotiated that. For me to use some part of you without asking, without negotiating, is for me to deny you the right to say no, to trick you out of our explicit agreement (that this blog is not for me) so I can get something for myself, whether or not it hurts you.
But also, what the hell makes me think I can write about sex work? I’ve never been a sex worker. I’ve read this blog. I read other blogs. But all that enables me to do is write about how other people say they experience sex work. I felt it would have been arrogant and exploitative to assume that, because I’ve read a few things here and there, I know enough to write about this entirely complex experience that is completely outside of my own life. It felt like appropriation, pure and simple. I am not a sex worker. I can write about not being a sex worker. I can write about encountering sex work, as somebody who is not a sex worker. I cannot write about being a sex worker. I am not one, so if I were to write about it, I could only take your stories and use them for my own ends. There’s nothing positive or respectful about using your lives to improve my writing. Your stories are not for me.
I also get where the original poster was coming from, wanting to write about sex work as a way to display it positively. When I read this blog, as a non-sex worker, I just get filled with the desire to shake other people until they understand, these are real people! They are not bad! Because I’m a good writer, that is a major way I communicate, so it seems natural to jump in to writing about sex work. But for me, the way to do that is not to consume your experiences as my own, and make them about me, about something I did. That’s just throwing my privilege around — here is something that is yours, and I am going to make it about me, because I want to help you, and aren’t you grateful. Writing about something provocative that I do not experience, that is not a part of my life, that is not something that puts me at risk, doesn’t act to reduce the stigma of sex work so much as it uses it, relies on it, exploits it, to make my work more interesting. I would be getting the benefit of provocative material without encountering the risks of being the subject of that provocative material. If anybody is going to get the benefit of writing something awesome about sex work, it should be somebody who has also put in the work to acquire that writing in an honest way, not shorn it from somebody else’s experiences in a handful of months.
I trust you guys to tell us how you would like us to help you. You’ve done that in the past. If I ask, you might tell me more. For me to decide I know how best to portray you positively is for me to decide I know more about your lives than you do. If I want to help, I need to risk my own privilege (say, by speaking up and speaking out in public when I hear people say terrible things about sex workers), not use my privilege to override your explicit desires (that this blog is not for me) and tell you that it’s for your own good, and get mad when you tell me to fuck off.
So, to the original poster, yeah, they were kind of harsh with you, and ouch, that has to hurt and come as a surprise. That’s what mistakes feel like, and it’s embarrassing. But listen to them. Not every good intention you have is equally a good idea, and when the people you want to help are telling you that you’re not helping, listen to them and not your ego. If you really want to help them, that is. If you find yourself saying, fuck them, they don’t get it, they’re mean, consider whether or not you really wanted to help them, or wanted to help yourself, and are upset that they aren’t as invested in you and your assumed goodness as you want them to be.
And here’s some general writing advice: If you want to write from the perspective of a certain type of character, and you don’t know anybody IRL with that kind of character, you don’t have the knowledge to write from that perspective. You will be making an amateur caricature instead. And you will do this a million times before you figure it out. But when you do it to people who are made amateur caricatures every day (like sex workers), they don’t take kindly to it. The best thing you can do then is take your shock and hurt feelings and write about those. Risk something painful of yours when you write, not something of theirs. If you want to write about sex work, write about what you think about sex work, how you experience hearing about it, reading about it, learning about it. If you cannot take your own experiences and make them interesting enough to read, you are not a good enough writer yet. If you must take somebody else’s experiences to create material, you have more arrogance than you have skill to back it up.
This is our 1000th post! YAY!
Thank you to all of you! Your mentions, blogs, shoutouts, reblogs, asks, emails, and even donations have helped us to grow - and they’ll help us CONTINUE to grow!
We love you so much, and we’re so glad you’re here! Here’s to another thousand posts, and thousands more!
To celebrate SWP’s milestone, we’ll be doing a giveaway! It will be posted first thing in the morning - and trust me, its definitely something you’ll want to jump on!
Love, SW1
We are not, in any way, accepting of solicitations, communications regarding, or payments for prostitution, escorting, modeling, acting services, or any other branch or arm of sex work.
We are here as a community only, with unpaid moderators and administrators here to keep communication lines open for sex workers around the world to speak with each other and to inform non-sex workers regarding social aspects of our lifestyle.
We will not accept or respond to requests for services, work, or offers of employment - regardless of the type of employment.
Please do yourselves and us a favor: read this carefully and understand it to the best of your ability.
And for those few of you who, instead of donating to the sister in need of help last week, sent us emails saying “I don’t want to donate but,” and proceeded to ask us for services in exchange for payments, please understand exactly how low our collective regard for you is - that in a time of need for a human being, you decided to capitalize on that need and attempted to take advantage of her (and us, by proxy).
Please also, SWP readers and family of sex workers, be aware that in many countries around the world, solicitation and prostitution are still illegal. Communications and emails across state, county, territory, and country lines asking us for services (or us being seen as soliciting services) can be dangerous for all of us. The very last thing we want is to have to close SWP down over misunderstandings and a few bad eggs.
Best, SW1
Getting people off is only a small part of what sex workers do. “Escort” is often viewed as a polite euphemism, but most of what we give clients is time, attention, and company. Clients don’t just want orgasms, they want affirmation. They want to look and be looked at, desire and be desired, experience pleasure and take pleasure in their ability to give it in turn.
I’ve never, in years of sex work, met those mythical clients who really just want to talk. I believe they exist, ‘cause my fellow whores say they do. But I’ve never met ‘em.
I do know that every guy who sends me a cock shot asks, “Do you like it, baby?”
Look at me. Like me. Validate me.
Do you like it, baby?
That’s why my orgasm matters. There it is, the concrete evidence that I experienced real pleasure with and for and perhaps most importantly because of a client. Squirting seems to be all the rage these days and I get lots of requests for it, and I wonder if it isn’t because it’s just too damn tangible a proof of a (female-bodied) whore’s real pleasure.
After all, whores are all liars, aren’t we? Faking feelings and enjoyment for a paycheck? Isn’t it the ultimate demonstration of your sexual prowess? To make a whore feel something real?
Which is why my orgasm doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to me, because my orgasm was never about me, even if I had one. And it also doesn’t matter because if I succeed in giving my clients what they come for—attention, validation, recognition—they also don’t need to ask whether my pleasure was real.
To me, it’s telling that the longer I work, the more mad my skillz, the less I hear that question.
-SW1
